That’s not to say this game is all right for kids to play, because it’s still pretty damn bad.

The plot, or what I could make of it, goes like this: DICE consists of a team of younger kids that also double as pilots of cheap Dino-bot knockoffs called “Dinobreakers”. These Dino’s can change into vehicles and back again, which is one of the more blatant Transformer knock-offs I’ve seen in a while. They’re all part of a team called DICE, which is then employed by various places to do various things. Nothing too specific here, just…stuff. The game begins with the invention of a small floating orb called a Satellite Bot, which is created from a hard to find mineral called (and I kid you not) “Shell”. You come to find out, as the game progresses, that Shell is also highly dangerous stuff, and shouldn’t be handled lightly. This is where DICE’s unimaginatively named foes come into play, B-DICE, who don’t seem to care nearly as much about the possibly dangerous use of Shell, as most villains would not. Needless to say you’ll find yourself facing off against B-DICE and a few other incredibly boring enemies (Frogs, Mosquitoes, Bondage Vikings) as you uncover the nature of Shell, etc.

Gameplay is incredibly repetitious and uninspired. Each mission (except the racing missions, I’ll get to those) consists of a series of rooms or stages which find you in combat with a large amount of enemies, requiring you to clear out those enemies, and/or clearing a very simple puzzle to move on to the next area. You are timed during each of these spots, and at the end of an entire level your total time goes towards a ranking, which can net you extra coins to be spent in the upgrade shop. Unfortunately, each level is as bland and boring as the enemies that fill it. Poorly rendered, dull colors, and horrible camera controls will end up reminding you of some of the worst N64 games you might have played in your own misbegotten youth. Combine that with some sluggish controls and you’ve got a combination of something that I doubt 5 year olds will find fun.

Then there are the racing missions. For reasons that aren’t quite clear to me, you also partake in a series of Grand Prix races, which consist of a couple qualifiers and the actual race. A little futuristic racing can always be fun, but not here. Even though the number on the screen says you’re traveling at a smooth 180, I have to assume that’s representing centimeters instead of miles, because there is an absolutely zero sense of speed involved. The track designs are also pretty horrible, consisting of multiple 90 degree turns that even with the turtle like pace of your vehicle, you’ll still manage to slide off of the edge of the track, which in turn brings out a whole new slew of swear words you might not even realized you knew. Thankfully the sound of your vehicle is seemingly appropriate to your speed, as it resembles the worst go-kart you can find at your local Putt Putt course.

Needless to say I definitely suggest avoiding this game at all cost. Even for the little ones out there, parents, don’t torture the tikes with this uninspired, bland, and incredibly boring title. I’m not sure what anime license Bandai plans on snatching up next, but here’s hoping they can get themselves out of the rut of bad anime games they seem to be so mired in at the moment.